Hi. How are you? It's been a while, hasn't it? Where have I been? Why haven't I been blogging? If you've been around this here blog awhile, you're probably expecting me to say that I haven't been feeling so great (depression rearing it's ugly head?). Or maybe you think I've been too busy (with summertime and all that). Or maybe you think I've lost interest in blogging.
None of these answers would be true.
I've been feeling great. I have been busy, but not THAT busy. And I've definitely not lost interest in blogging.
So what the heck has been going on? Where have I been?
I've been trying to figure out a way to write this blog without it going on for days. I've written and deleted more than you can imagine. Just coming up with a title for this post has been ridiculous. You know when you want to say something and you don't know how to say it, you end up not saying anything? Well that's how goofy I've been. I haven't been able to put in words how I feel. No words I put down seem to adequately express how I feel. But I'm going to try.
Just to get things started, here's some titles I'd considered for this soon-to-be-revealed blog:
I'm Back and WAY Better Than Ever
I Was Lost For 25 Years
I Ignored God for 25 Years
What Took Me So Long?
How I Found Joy In The Past Few Months
None of the titles stuck with me or struck me as "the one" for what I'm about to tell you. None of these comes close to capturing what I want to say. So you get what you get....a total non-title. Sorry about that.
Before I go any further, I want to tell you honestly that I feel quite shy and nervous about sharing this. Some of you will be excited for me. But some of you will want to drop me like a hot potato. Some of you just might think I'm a little or a lot crazy (well, I am...but not in this case). Whatever camp you're in, I hope you'll read this post and continue coming back to On My Own Nerves. While the human side of me wants to please you with my writing and humor, the old/new (I'll explain what I mean by this in a future post) part of me knows that I want to tell you this whether you like what you're reading or not.
Deep breath and here we go.
I cannot exactly pinpoint when, where, or how I started to think about God differently than I have for the past 25 years.
Maybe it was when an old school friend Marc posted on Facebook about using The Message Bible by Eugene Peterson (thanks Marc). It's a Bible written in contemporary language, which means easier to understand (no "ye's" or "thou's" or "hath's" or "thy's"...not that there's anything wrong with style of language, it's just sometime difficult to read).
It could have been when I started reading The Message Bible and realized, "Wow. I actually understand this."
Or maybe it was when I finally accepted my friend Christies's invitation to come to church with her.
It could have been during that first church service when I was overwhelmed with hearing a band (as in rock band) singing about God. I was a little freaked. Aren't we supposed to sing hymns? And be kinda quiet? There's a drum set in church! And an electric guitar?!
It might have been after listening to The Message (a Sirius/XM radio station) in my car for weeks on end, with my kids begging me to change the station.
Or was it when the Pastor of the church (Brian at Epic) gave a 10 minute synopsis of the whole Bible and a light bulb went off in my head? (I think my jaw may have dropped...sorry if any of you witnessed that.) It was kind of like "Ohhhhhhhhhh. I wish I had that overview, say, 40 years ago." It's hard to understand the reason for the Bible just by reading a few passages here or there. You kinda need an overview to understand the WHY.
Could it have been when I started feeling compelled to read the Bible daily? I'm working on reading the entire thing (is it appropriate to refer to the Bible as "thing"?). It's how I start my day. When I say compelled I mean I WANT to read the Bible. Really want. I don't have to force myself. Plus I keep seeking out other books to answer my MANY, NEVERENDING questions about God. I have never ever felt the desire to do this. Ever. But I do now.
Or maybe it was talking to my new friend Karen on a long walk or Worship Pastor (Daniel) over iced tea.
Could have been when my friend Christie and I shyly told each other we've been more "open" to God and loving listening to Christian music. (She calls it her God Pod. Love it.)
Or maybe it was when I read a book Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst, that I felt like was speaking my language. Everything she wrote about feeling, I wanted to jump up and shout "ME TOO"!!
Or when my friend Kristina came up to me after church yesterday and asked if I wanted to be a part of a small women's bible study group and I said YES before the words were even out of her mouth.
Or just maybe, I started to think differently about God when I started to feel complete JOY in my life. For the past couple of weeks, I have felt a contentment and peace that I have never known. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I seriously feel different, in a great way, and there is no other explanation other than GOD.
You know when things keep syncing and stuff keeps happening and clicking and being just right? It's like something is smacking you upside the head and you can't ignore how you feel or the shift in your thinking and feeling. Yeah me either. Until recently. As you know, if you've been reading this blog a while, I've spent a great deal of time talking about how everything wasn't syncing or going right or feeling right or being right. And I wasn't "right". I'm not discounting anything I've written or shared in previous posts. I'm just saying I have a shifting perspective. And I am oh-so-happy.
Yes, my husband and kids think this is all somewhat strange behavior for me. Even some friends too. I mean, what do you say to a person who tells you "I've found God again and yes I lost him for a long time. But now he's back and I'm all HAPPY"?!?? (Actually He never left. I did.) I totally know some of you are rolling your eyes right now or saying what is goin' on with this girl? That's cool people. A couple months ago, I would have rolled my eyes at me too. But something has changed.
I'm still me. I'm still a little bit loony, a whole lot kind and caring, and more than a touch excited about life. And you'll continue to hear my experiences via this blog and my Facebook page. But I'm gonna be telling you more about my positively changing life and how excited I am to discover Christianity all over again. You see, I became a Christian a long time ago. And then I lost my way. For a long, long time. But that's a story for another blog post.
For now, I'm just so profoundly grateful for all the very amazing things that are happening in my life right now. If you stick around, I promise to tell you more. Peace.