To my male readers….I’m gonna warn you right now, this might be a bit much for you. However, if you want to read on and be enlightened I would encourage you to do so. If you have a wife or female significant other, she’ll appreciate your understanding of the journey (I could use other words here) of the female body. Ladies. If you haven’t hit 40 yet, you’re going to have to trust me on this. This is no joke. Your body is about to hit the skids.
Now stand there and look in the mirror, while naked. This is what you might see.
- You can see your butt by looking at the front of yourself. This is called extreme sagging. Laying down or wearing Spanx may diminish the appearance of sagging in your butt area, but it’s going to happen other places too. You can’t wear Spanx on your face.
- Those wrinkles and age spots you thought you’d never get when you were baking in the sun as a 20 year old? They’re here and aren’t cute like freckles. And your freckles? There’s a whole bunch and now your dermatologist is calling them age spots. Curse your foolish sun worshipping ways. You probably have crow’s feet, a crease between your eyebrows, and the beginning of jowls. I’m pretty sure that I’m most horrified by jowls.
- Your body makes noises when you go down the stairs. This usually sounds like crunchy knees or ankles. Those noises? They don’t feel great either. Other general aches and pains are apparent and are not a result of injury. It hurts ‘cause you’re getting old. Glucosamine is in your future.
- Boobs? Once perky and an asset to your cute figure are now pointing downward and no longer resemble breasts. Breast fed your kids? Yep. You’ve probably got deflated balloons.
- That once glossy, thick mane of hair probably has thinned a little. If you’re lucky, it stopped before too much came out. Then there’s the gray hair issue. Gray hair isn’t like regular hair. It’s course and has a mind of it’s own. If you’re cursed with a lot of gray hair, it’s gonna get expensive hitting the salon every 4-8 weeks.
- Remember when you could eat lightly for a day and lose 5 pounds? You probably noticed that you have to eat lightly every day just to not gain weight. You can now gain a pound simply by smelling some delicious. Magical. In a bad way.
- Your period is probably freaking you out a little, especially if you’ve had children or know you have fibroids. Let’s just say you can never be too prepared by double doing your protection (ie. Tampon AND Pad). That’s all the detail I’ll provide about that. You’re welcome.
- What abs? Where did your 6 pack go? Maybe you never had one. fIf you’ve had children you may look like you have a kangaroo pouch. Good luck getting rid of that thing.
- Sleeping isn’t the same. You probably suffer from insomnia in some form. Many of you haven’t slept since you’ve had children. Even if you do sleep all night, it’s likely you wake up and feel like taking a nap. You may even plan your nap the day before.
- Unless you go tanning, which you shouldn’t, your skin has probably taken on a pasty white pallor. Some of you may be so pale that you look clear or even fluorescent. Go with that…there’s always spray tanning. Going tanning is only gonna increase the above wrinkles and age spots…not to mention CANCER. So stop it.
Of course there are those of you who have fought the aging process with the force of a bulldozer and maybe even some moula. Eating right and exercising would be your first defense against the inevitable aching, sagging, and weight gain of aging. I know a few of you who look amazing because you work super hard at it. Congratulations (jerks). Just kidding. I wish I was that dedicated. Naturally there are some of you who will pay anything to look good….plastic surgery, botox, personal trainers, fancy skin care, and diet plans. Awesome. If it works for you, do it.
The rest of us normal people will keep on keeping on and hope that we don’t look older than our actual age. Count your blessings! Have a fab day.